The rigmarole of a normal crazy person. : October 2015

Dear world.

I do not have kids. (Written with a sigh of relief unbeknownst to any reader...) But, children are just adorable mini people that haven't quite learned to cook yet, so they need some moral support and guidance until they've figured out how to not burn themselves when using the stove. Oh, and to poop.

I was privileged (is that an appropriate use of that word...) to provide that guidance to my super spunky 4 year old niece, Evelyn, and 18 month old nephew, Liam, over the weekend. I know many concerned people out there who were anxious for the future of these children besides their parents; so, to put their fears to rest, I shall share my savvy, sophisticated, and skillful parenting wisdom...because I have now advanced in parenting proficiency.

Getting ready to survive the weekend together!

First, I had to convince my sister and her husband to trust me. That was a feat and a half. Mostly from previous history with their kids...yes, I adore them; BUT, back before I achieved elite parenting status, there were struggles.

My sister initially sent subtle hints that they might come visit. I offered to babysit, because I know parents never actually have any fun...unless you count watching frozen 3 times a week - living the life. And then things turned wild. It was their anniversary weekend and we did the math and realized they hadn't had a vacation since before their children were born. That's 5 years. Parent's know a little bit about sacrifice. As is also typical for most parents, they were forgetting how to relax and more importantly what fun is...well, now that I think of it, play-dough mustaches are highly entertaining...so retract at least the latter half of that statement.

Although they toyed with the idea of taking their kids, how many of you have had to travel with an 18-month-old who never sits still and thinks that seat belts are a sign that his parents don't love him? (NOT TRUE. It's just a matter of perspective and legal issues - good job, 1990s.) Yeah, sanity would diminish after a trip with him for sure.

Don't let these cute faces kid you...don't let these cute kids face you...

At first, they called off the trip all together thinking that Liam, who doesn't sleep well, would be too difficult for me to handle. (Nah...who needs sleep?) I put my foot down. And told them to "do something exotic." and encouraged them to let their kids drive me crazy for a weekend, since they are driven crazy 300 other days of the year.

We cuddled!! And mostly rolled all over eachother...but, we slept!

But, the father was a little harder to convince, referencing again past encounters with my pre-expert parenting self when my 2-week-old niece cried for lit-er-ally hours while I babysat her eventually sending me also to tears and a vow to never have kids. (admittedly...babies aren't easy. How many new parents confess they are done having children. But, once you survive the first few months, they grow on you again. And I swear - I'm fine. I can totally comfort any poor teething child within minutes...just please don't test me.)

I offered one last testimonial:
"I understand that kids are hard...and I know I have said about a dozen times (if not more) that I don't want kids...BUT, this will be good practice! I still love your kids...and I still want to make life easier for you." I urged them to take a break from their reality. AND then I pulled out the defense card and reminded them that even they get frustrated with their own kids and some days of being a parent. So, if getting frustrated with your children is unavoidable...why should they try to shield me from it. And for my closing argument:

"Life is hard anyway, if anything it will be an experience your kids and I will always remember...and can bond over the fact that we tried to have fun without you...and so what if we fail. At least we all gain a greater appreciation for you."

I'm pretty persuasive. AND, in the end, I won (or did I...no, we totally had a great time...and by great...I mean...no one died...and we all really appreciate the parents).

First...I had to make sure I had food. Most parents want their children to eat normal, healthy meals. SO, popcorn was out of the picture...Thankfully, Evelyn, my 4-year-old niece, provided me with a grocery list (Although, she should have been okay with my initial strategy of ice cream and chocolate...) and said we could only eat ice cream after dinner. Whatever. kids these days. So, I pulled out the heavy pots and pans.

Breakfast fit for champions!

The first guide to parenting: How to entertain your kids while cooking dinner:

GARLIC. That's it! Liam spent at least 30 minutes throwing cloves of garlic around everywhere...and jumping on it...and pounding it into the floor. That is when I could get him from opening the garbage can and licking the bag...KIDS ARE SO GROSS. But...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...Liam is probably the next Superman.

It's better if you just adopt the philosophy: the less you know - the easier it is to sleep at night.

Although I tried to distract him from his wild ways...who knows how many other wickedly disgusting things he did hiding around the corner. (I can't be in 2 places at once...and i was still cooking dinner...is this why mac and cheese is so popular for parents?) Just to warn you, he almost actually does escape this adventure unharmed...

So, thanks to the garlic, dinners were made to please any parent...but, just not actually eaten. BONUS of having kids: You never have to cook yourself dinner....kids won't eat any of theirs, so help yourself to their plate instead!

OH, and of course, their favorite part is the cleanup! I mean, of course, we had no problems as I tried to quickly wash the dishes and wipe down the counters only to discover that little Liam's idea of cleaning was spitting out carrots all over the floor...piece by piece...until he finally had my attention as I saw the trail of orange pieces that followed him into the dining room. I think it was just a friendly reminder to sweep the floor as well.

Second guide to parenting: Remodel your house in less than 30 minutes!!

It's exciting to go downstairs and into my bedroom to see that every drawer and shelf have been rearranged and reorganized while every jewelry box has been emptied. Dress-up is a perfect time to resort through my collection of shoes. Seriously, who knew kids could be so organized?

Admiring the sculptures!

The third guide to parenting: Radios exist to remind you that the world is perfect.

Maybe the kids are upset in the back of the car because they have to share a water bottle; or because they can't listen to their favorite song again, after the 4th time; or because I told them they can't have another package of fruit snacks until after dinner though they still haven't even finished the 2nd one in their hands. BUT, whenever any car tantrum begins...just turn up the radio and open the windows and have a little mini dance party...maybe they'll stop crying when the song is over...if not, maybe it's a hot hit - 10-song-in-a-row-super-playlist! Then just jam until they forgot why they were crying in the first place.

There's a whole lot of love!

Fourth guide to parenting: Parents actually drive kids crazy.

They’ll be perfectly fine all day…until the parents call…and then they’ll have an emotional break down to make you think they are miserable and their future lives have been ruined by this sudden betrayal and abandonment. I have come to accept, and believe, that parents aren't really necessary.

But, having had a perfect weekend...carrying kids who didn't want to walk uphill, (we're not in Kansas anymore), and never losing shoes, or sippy cups, or toy cars...why did you drop it if you were going to cry as soon as it went out of view? ...And definitely sleeping...some, we sat at the pier watching and waiting for mommy and daddy's plane to land. It was a perfect Sunday, the weather was beautiful and people were setting sail on sailboats all around us as we watched the planes come down over the Potomac!

this is literally Mommy and Daddy's plane!!

And after we saw the parental plane land, we decided we couldn't live another day without them and went off to reconnect. That's when tragedy happened...driving (that was me...Evelyn had a hard time reaching the pedals...) is hard when you are distracted by 2 toddlers in the back, so I went through the departure line and rather than drive around the airport, I asked mommy and daddy to meet us there and pulled out the kids to wait a few minutes. Of course they start touching everything and annoying Jet Blue ticketing/baggage agents and stepping in the way of impatient passengers. So, I was happy when they decided to climb back in the car. But, Liam apparently wanted to be in by himself and pushed Evelyn out. I turned around for THIRTY SECONDS to follow Evelyn and in the meantime, Liam decided he still wants to do everything she does...so he pushed himself out...but he still hasn't figured out gravity...so, he face plants the ground.

Thirty seconds later, parents emerge from a weekend getaway to a screaming, bleeding baby.

Sabotage!

I could have lived down the morning when Liam ripped off his diaper only for me to catch him just as he began to pee on the floor...and I spoiled Evelyn with a manicure, so she would have given me rave reviews...but, now all evidence suggests otherwise.

I'm just thankful that mommy was able to console this poor wounded soul.

Parents, bless you for all you do. Your children are fun...but, there aren't words to describe how exhausting it can be. Thank you for your sacrifices to teach and love these charming little humans. We need a national holiday just for parents. (not separate...but in addition to what we do have honoring moms and dads...)

The responsibility you bear I'm sure is daunting, so thanks for taking it on! GOOD LUCK!!! You need it. And a vacation.